A Rough Week

I have been debating whether or not to even post this but my blog is my on line journal. I do it to have as a memory for us in the future. I think it's important to be honest and not hide or pretend this didn't happen.  This week was rough. Really, really bad.

Up until Wednesday, I was pregnant. I found out in late January and we were shocked but immediately excited and thinking of the future. I had all the pregnancy symptoms (except no morning sickness) and had excruciating headaches. Of coarse I couldn't take any pills and I even had a headache that lasted 5 days off and on.

Tuesday the 22nd was my very first apt. I had to wait a few weeks because I didn't want to take any days off for the apt. I went in after school for my very 1st sonogram and to my shock, nothing was there. Nothing. Just the sack. The technician didn't say anything to me and I wasn't really sure what was going on even though I should have. I waited for what seemed forever and finally saw my Dr. I could tell by her tone and demeanor that something was wrong. She explained to me the heart wrenching news. She was under the impression that something had happened and I was going to miscarry. She of coarse, helped answer my silly questions and helped to dry my tears. I was in complete shock but still was trying to have some hope. Inside I had a bad, bad feeling and my heart heart. We did blood work and they nicely let me go out a side door so I wouldn't have to go up front and see all the pregnant women waiting! The drive home was long and I didn't dare call Kelly yet. We hadn't told ANYONE I was pregnant so I couldn't call anyone. I just tried to cling to some hope remembering that when I was pregnant with Gracie my Dr. didn't think I was and I really was because it was early. I just tried to have hope. The worst part was on my way a realtor called and asked to see our house. I ha 10 min. to get home and we loaded Gracie and Jack in the car to get out. We had another showing on our house that night too so it was a hectic night. Sadly it was hard for me to keep it together. It was a long night and hard to get up and face the day at work.

At school I tried to put it out of my mind. Around 8:30 I got a call from my Dr. My levels were very low she said and she told me to be prepared. Shortly after it was like something switched in my body and everything started to fall apart. And to my worst nightmare ever I started miscarrying at school. It started getting really bad. I thought I could fight through but there's not stopping it. I made the quick decision to run and tell my principal. She was devastated with me and sat with me while I cried. One nice thing about working with your husband is that she went and got Kelly real quick and told him to take me home. I was in such a daze and things were spinning. I really don't remember much about our drive home except we were both very quiet and cried together. Kelly got me a heating pad and I was left with the most severe pain and discomfort I have ever felt in my entire life. I was not expecting or prepared for the pain that followed.

Wednesday afternoon and night were a blur. I stayed home Thursday and Friday to rest and recover. We told family and friends and it was hard. At first I wanted to just pretend it didn't happen but that's not good. I don't want the sympathy looks that I knew I'd get. I get tired of people saying "It wasn't meant to be." I know that but it still stings when I hear that. Or when people say "You'll have another baby some day" I'm sure (and hopeful that someday we will) but right now I don't want another one.

The 3 weeks I thought I was pregnant it was fun to walk around with my little secret. Even though I wasn't always feeling the best I still smiled knowing what was happening. Now I just feel almost dead inside. It's hard to describe. I know that in the grand scheme of things this is nothing. I know that there are so many bad things happening and I hear stories of people losing their children and it it breaks my heart. But I still feel sadness. Every minute gets a little better. I'm glad I'm telling people but we are ready to move on from this. I don't want to dwell on the past but I know this is something that I'll think about for the rest of my life. Only because I know how wonderful a little baby can be. I am so thankful I have my Gracie. She has been my shining star in this. There is no time for sadness or mourning around her! I am very thankful for my parents for taking Gracie for a day and night so I could be by myself and not worry about her. Kelly is doing good now too and we are both ready to put this behind us. So that's my story. One that I know so many friends can relate to and one I don't want to ever relive again. I am thankful for our family and friends for their love and support!